When it happens...again.

Jonathan and I were praying for a baby THIS year.  I got pregnant in March making me due in December.  What a blessing we thought.  A baby this year and just under the wire.  We were praying, being prayed over, reading books, reading the Bible, fasting, so hopeful, so positive, doing everything right.  All the pieces had fallen perfectly into place.  My symptoms were strong.  My reflux was super bad and so were my aversions.  And, I found out before I was even 4 weeks along.  My at home test came back positive at 3 weeks and I only took it because I was getting nauseas in the middle of the day...everyday.

But, I guess it wasn't meant to be.  On May 21st (at 10 or 11 weeks) I found out our baby had no heartbeat although we had seen and heard it at 7 (or 8 weeks.)  The baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks.  It probably stopped growing around May 14th which is odd because my miscarriage last year was on May 15th.  May pretty much sucks. (The dates may be off because according to my period I should have been 8 weeks at my first appointment but the dr said I must have miscalculated because at 8 weeks baby was measuring 7 weeks 2 days.  Well, I don't think I was 5 days off, I think there was already something wrong at that first appointment.)

Baby at 7 weeks 2 days - Heart rate: 165

Having your doctor tell you that she doesn't see a heartbeat is just unexplainable.  Especially when you're there alone.  It's terrible.  Having two miscarriages a year apart is also just terrible.  I hate the entire situation.  Having to tell all your family and close friends what happened is gut wrenching.  Having to call your husband and tell him your baby is gone is the worst.  And, possibly worse still is your body still thinking that your baby is still alive so you still have all your pregnancy symptoms but knowing that a baby is not the end result.

I have the ultrasound pictures and I even still had the pee stick as gross is that is.  I've taken down the pictures and thrown away the tests and piles of doctor paperwork...soon to be replaced with paperwork of a new kind.  I hate that we're at this place.  Again.  And did you know that once you see the heartbeat (like we did at 7 or 8 weeks) there is only a 3% chance of miscarriage.  Oh, the odds...

Anger

Frustration

Throwing in the towel

Self pity

Self loathing

Sadness

Disbelief

Blahhhh...

I had a D and C on May 28th.  It wasn't bad at all.  I was completely knocked out and was only in surgery for about 10 minutes or so.  The night before I had a total melt down. (I mean, I had to walk around for an entire week with a dead baby inside of me and then it was just going to end up in the trash can.  It's unimaginable.)  It was one of several break downs that happened that week.  And I am NOT a crier.  I'm just not.  I don't like people seeing me down or weak much less sobbing.

And, I'll be very honest, I've been in a place of why pray.  Why ask God for anything?  We've been praying for a baby and have had two miscarriages.  It doesn't make any sense.  Other prayers have gone unanswered.  The reverse is happening and it makes you wonder if He really hears you or cares at all.

I put so much mental and emotional energy into prayer and preparing for this baby.  Plus, I was nearly done with the first trimester.  I got to experience all the pains of the first trimester but didn't get a baby.  Very much salt in the wound.  As is paying for a D and C.

So, where do I go now?  What's the next step?  I've actually known several people who have gone through what I have (chemical pregnancy followed by miscarriage) but they didn't already have a child to begin with.  They did however go on to have several more successful pregnancies so I'm hopeful but I'm not in a good place spiritually.  Luckily I have several people interceding for me until I get back to that good place.  I honestly just feel too angry to pray sometimes.

I've been pregnant 3 times in the past (almost) 5 years and have one child to show for it.  It took me 3 months to get pregnant with Georgia, and 8 or so months which each of the following ones.  At this point we are choosing not to pursue any fertility treatment.  I've really been praying about what the next step should be and I've come across several verses:

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still" 

Exodus 14:14

"Be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead"

1Peter 1:16

"After your season of suffering, God in all his grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you"

1Peter 5:10

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible"

Matthew 19:26

"To you, O Lord, I offer my prayer; in you, my God, I trust"

Psalm 25: 1-2

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"

mark 11:24

These are not verses I looked up.  These are verses that were revealed to me during Bible study and prayer.  I know in my heart God is in control and I also know that when I do get pregnant and deliver a full term baby that God will get all the glory.  But, it's hard to get your head and your heart on the same page.  I repeat these verses out loud.  God can read my thoughts and hear my prayers but Satan cannot read my mind although he can hear my words.  Satan and demons flea from the spoken word of God so I'm making sure he wants no part of me.  Spiritual Warfare is very much a real thing.

I know it is not in God's character to take a new life.  I know it is not God's way to take my unborn babies but I do know we live in a fallen world and fear and doubt give Satan a foothold.  I recently finished a sermon series podcast (By Willie George with Church on the Move) on Spiritual Warfare and the Armor of God and I also recently finished The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson (just buy it and read it now).  And I know it to be true that Satan wants me to give up.  He does not want Jonathan and I to have anymore children.  He doesn't want more believers and he is doing everything in his power to withhold my blessings that God has already sent.

The moment Daniel prayed God sent Gabriel with an answer but it is stated clearly in the Bible that the angel did battle with the Prince of Persia (Satan/demons) before he could get the blessing to Daniel.  He battled for 21 days. (Daniel 10)  What if Daniel had stopped praying before the 21 days?  He would have forfeited his blessing.  That's not something I am willing to do.  Satan so badly wants me to give up.  He wants me to stop praying and feel defeated.  He wants me to believe the very opposite of God's word...that God will not fulfill his promises to me.  God has put a desire in my heart for a reason and God will win this battle.  I need only to be still and believe.

Blessed is she who believed that there would be fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord

Luke 1:45

Please join Jonathan and I in prayer for me to conceive and give birth to a healthy full term baby.