Honesty is Ok

I feel like honesty is the trademark of this super old blog.  Before I started blogging I kept a journal...since the age of 7...so I really like to write as a way to process...and I process A LOT. I'm really hesitant to post this because at this point we've really settled into life with 3, and it's a lot, but here's goes.

All nine months I was pregnant, and up until Barrett was about 1.5 months, I literally thought my life was over.  I didn't want three kids.  I wanted to work on my goals, my business, and our house. I wanted to enjoy the two kids we already had and be able to spend as much time with them as I could.  Instead of embracing it I just kept putting off dealing with it emotionally. I had to put my life on hold for nearly a year, which sounded like a lifetime - and I was mad, but now I'm seeing that we can do it all but it is just going to look different (and take longer!)

I can't wait to watch them all explore and learn.  I'm excited to see them all running on the beach or hiking or riding their bikes. Its going to be a fun life despite the countless times I'll be overwhelmed in the future.

One of my main frustrations was Barrett was due in the fall and when you have your own business you don't get maternity leave. This kid was being born in my busiest season of the year.  Fall. Fall for a photographer is like spring for CPAs.  I'm usually buried in editing and just trying to survive.  Saying no to a client possibly means that you will lose their business forever.  I am so thankful for the friends and clients who have stuck with me and worked around my schedule. 

Also, another kid meant a bigger car, no extra bedrooms, less extra space, more money being spent NOT going towards my goals.  More money for extra curriculars, food, college funds, preschool, future car notes, doctor's bills and on and on.  I'm just super prone to gravitate towards the negative and while I'm working on it that is just how I am.  So all of this, for me, just has to be one of those situations where it is what it is.  I cannot change it so I just have to be ok with it.  Kids are expensive and there is no way around it.  It is super selfish of me but it is just honestly how I feel.  When other people laugh off surprises that arise in their lives and just dwell in the chaos I most certainly do not.  I am not made to roll with the punches.  I don't know why I'm wired that way but for some reason that is the way God made me and it is a daily struggle to battle against perfectionism and the frustration it causes. I crave structure and routine and predictability. I suppose some people are just born to be parents while others (me) are turned into better people because of parenting. Comparing my life to others is one of my biggest struggles and God uses parenting and newborns to knock me down a notch or two...or ten.

I've said it before but I'm not a newborn person.  I'm not really even a baby person.  I love my kids and think they are (mostly) wonderful little people but I just don't get people that like newborns and babies and love this stage in life. You baby lovers are all wonderful people too I assume ;) but I'm  just not one of them.  Breastfeeding, pumping, thrush (all three kids), mastitis, colic (Georgia), roller coaster thyroid issues (Georgia and Barrett), crying, napping, not napping, exhaustion, formula, bottles, diapers, so much poop, lip ties and tongue ties (Barrett), spit up, heart murmurs (Georgia and Barrett), hydroceles (Milam)...I mean, what's not to love.  I wish any of my babies had just been sweet little angel babies but they were not born that way.  They are so INTENSE from day one.  All three of them. It is a lot to think about and a lot to juggle.  It makes me mentally exhausted just thinking about it...then add in growth spurts, mental leaps, and regressions and you have yourself a great time.  All of those people that want, "all the babies" are just a very different breed than I am. Recently, for example, Barrett was awake for 2.5 hours before he finally caved for a nap.  Woke up and wouldn't eat because he only slept for less than 30 minutes. Would suck on the bottle and cry (he's never been a good eater) and when I would try to burp him on my shoulder he would put his feet on my waist band and push himself into a standing position.  I just honestly don't get how that is sweet...but that's just me.  I read all the time, "you can do hard things" and I always think, "well yes I can do hard things but that doesn't mean I want to" and surprise surprise, if Emily doesn't want to do something it's going to be rough going for everyone involved.

The biggest issue for me is still time.  Being able to devote enough of myself to all the people in our house plus being able to recharge by myself feels 100% impossible to me right now.  I was probably spoiled by the fact that our first two kids were (unintentionally) five years apart and I had so much one on one time with both of them that now I feel like our house is in constant motion.  I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out with the older two because I have to devote so much time to Barrett. Jonathan is so great about picking up the slack but I feel bad that we don't get time to spend together.

Making all of this that much harder is that I hate asking for help.  When I'm in that postpartum state I cannot think clearly.  I cannot make decisions properly. When I came out of my fog with Georgia (which has only happened with each kid when I was no longer breastfeeding...darn hormones!) I wrote notes to myself for after I had baby number two of how to better care for a baby.  I'm not even kidding.  I was trying really hard to do better.  When I was nine months pregnant with Milam and after he was born I read through them and it was legitimately talking myself through better sleep schedules and feeding issues.  It sounds ridiculous but I was so tired when Georgia was born that I just couldn't put two and two together so I was trying to prevent that.  Obviously I threw that away after I had Milam and not that it would have made a huge difference but it's just an example of how much of a fog I live in when I'm tired/or have just had a baby. And you would think my first instinct would be to ask for help.  It isn't.  I get super defensive and want to do it all on my own.  Y'all it makes no sense.  I know.  Issues breastfeeding...nope, don't want to ask for help. Baby crying while you hold her? Nope, don't want to pass her off to your husband.  I always wanted to be right. My parenting pride 100% has made me suffer...every.single.time. but I credit a lot of that to my inability to process when I am just that ridiculously tired.  I don't do well under stress and can hardly function on little sleep...I even get nauseas and light headed at times.  It hasn't even been that long since we brought Barrett home and I'm being totally honest when I say I don't remember a whole lot. It's like one big blur (And I had a medication free recovery!) although being over medicated for my thyroid disorder probably had a lot to do with it (Georgia and Barrett).

If my kids read this and know this someday I'm ok with it.  I was my mom's surprise baby number three (like Barrett) and I was an absolutely horrible baby and a total handful as a young child.  If you take the worst qualities about both my parents you get me.  I say that jokingly but it's kind of true. I know all of this about myself and my parents and I never doubted that my parents loved me and cared for me the best they could.  Actually, once Georgia was born and I was thinking back to how I was as a baby/child I just felt so bad for them.  Haha.  I was so bad and usually sick.  My poor parents.

I really wanted to write all of this out because it seems to be a given that all married, secure, and settle women that get pregnant should be excited about it.  Instagram is flooded with light and airy images showing perfection in pregnancy, mothering, and really perfection of emotions. If that is honestly how they feel than that is awesome for them but I just don't like pretending life is perfection when it absolutely is not.  It was so frustrating but we've officially made it past the hardest part and I'm very grateful.  And, I've been one of those people where reading something like this wouldn't make sense at all when I wanted to be pregnant with Milam so badly but I'm being honest. Now, we have more highs in our day than lows but I think putting honest parenting out there is really important because so many times I feel like I'm the only one.  Obviously I'm not, but other moms just do a lot better with no sleep than I do. At the end of the day, I'm doing the best I can, and I just have to let go of the guilt that my personal best isn't the same as another mother's best.  And as much as I want to be the best I just can't and I struggle with that in ALL areas of my life, not just parenting

And know that all these pictures are just for my benefit! I never want people to look at my photos and assume we're having this perfect, idyllic day.  That will never happen. Taking photos and editing them is a huge stress reliever for me although I know that's not the case for most people...and Milam loves to hold Barrett...for about 5 seconds.