My Infertility Struggle

May 30, 2014

{Not writing this for sympathy or compassion.  Just want to keep it honest and real here.}

I first wrote about my issues here.

Getting pregnant with Georgia took us 3 months.  Well, the first month was on accident, had a little scare, so we just decided to go with it and 2 months later I was pregnant if I remember correctly.

On paper Jonathan and I are perfectly fertile.  Actually better than perfect.  Our levels are above what they need to be for pregnancy so we are your regular "fertile myrtles" according to our medical records.  But, combined somehow we are labeled with "unexplained infertility".

I know there are couples struggling with infertility that have been dealing with it for far longer than Jonathan and I have.  I know your struggle is harder than mine and that my one year is just a small taste of what you live with everyday.  My heart literally breaks for y'all.  Because of how I got pregnant with Georgia I was very ignorant to the fact of how hard living with infertility is.  For me it is a shadow that covers my entire life...something that is always there.  It is all consuming and I think about it all the time.

All consuming means life can be hard and it can wear you down.  Looking at Georgia I feel so incredibly blessed knowing getting her here wasn't actually as easy as I thought.  I am short with Jonathan and complain a lot.  I have a lot of "why me" days.  A lot.  Especially with our home buying situation.

During all of this a sweet blog follower added me to her secret Facebook group to deal with the struggles of infertility but I soon left the group.  All the posts and topics on my page were just constant reminders and instead of it being a place for me to vent it became something that brought me down.  And, it wasn't anything the women were doing wrong, it was just me.  I have a really hard time with others knowing my struggles.  One part of me wants to talk it out with others (and have them know about it so they can stop asking me when baby #2 was coming!) but the other part of me doesn't want other people to know and me constantly be reminded of it.  I'm in a weird middle ground.

Being in the infertility community has also brought to my attention the anger and jealousy involved when you find out someone else is pregnant.  I have never gotten there.  Now, again I know others have been struggling for years with no luck but that's not my story yet.  In my mind, if you get pregnant the first try, the 5th try, or the 100th try then that is just God's plan for your life and your family.  Simple as that.  And, in our case with unexplained infertility, there is no medical reason I'm not getting pregnant.  For me, infertility is very much a spiritual struggle.

Also, since mine is secondary infertility I am dealing with the thoughts of an only child.  Which, before I ever had kids I NEVER wanted an only child.  Then, once I had Georgia I was so in love with her and our routine was so easy and predictable that I considered not having anymore.  She was just so great...why mess with a good thing?  Well, then Jonathan wanted two and wanted to try for three years apart so I reluctantly went along with it.  Once I wasn't getting pregnant I desperately wanted another child.  It was like a cruel joke.  I wanted to be the one to decide if I had an only child or not...not my body deciding for me.  None of Georgia's friends are only children and she prays at dinner for, "a baby sister" so that's especially hard.  Dealing with infertility and secondary infertility brings out a side of you that you never knew was there.  It's an odd thing.

On April 30th, 2014 I found out I was pregnant.  Finally, after 11 LONG months but I just didn't feel confident in this pregnancy.  Jonathan and I were both on edge. (The few people I told I made sure to ask them to pray for a healthy pregnancy.  It just felt wrong.) On May 15th, 2014 I started bleeding and the next day found out I had a chemical pregnancy (Most likely.  Egg is fertilized but does not inplant.)  I would have been 6.5 weeks along.  I'm not sure I've ever cried so much or so hard in my life. Thursday I had a miscarriage/chemical pregnancy. Friday my eye was nearly swollen shut. Saturday was Georgia's birthday and party. The next week was her last day of dance, school, splash day, and recital.  So, a very emotional week.  I forgot things for her party and was kind of an emotional wreck but I couldn't let my favorite girl down despite what was going on with my body.

This was taken on Mother's Day.  Less than a week later I was no longer "pregnant".  If I ever really was to begin with.

Jonathan took off work for two days while I had dr appointments, two rounds or blood work, and  two ultra sounds.  He came with me and my sister in law took Georgia.  I had told our parents and siblings and a few close friends.  I'm so glad I did because without their support I'm not sure I could have made it through as easily.  It wasn't "easy" at all but letting myself be vulnerable and knowing people were praying for me was so comforting.  The month prior I had VERY high progesterone levels leading my dr/nurse to think I may be pregnant but I wasn't.  So, two months in a row I had my dreams smashed.  Literally torn apart.  I never felt more hopeless, rejected, or defeated.  May 15th was a huge low point for me.  I do trust God's plan but I just have to wonder what is all of this for?  What good could possibly come from this much pain?

I've never been  in a spot in my life where I've had so much growth.  Would I have chosen this path?  Infertility (as well as our terrible home buying experience. Seven houses slipping through our fingers)?  Not in a million years.  Have I enjoyed these trials?  In all honesty, no.  But, we don't grow through perfection so it's something I've just come to expect.  Life goes up and down and always will.  And it's hard.  I don't expect that to change ever.

Infertility has opened my eyes to how blessed I truly am.

I like to think of myself as a now much more patient person although much more vulnerable with not nearly as perfect of an image as I once had ;) and I know without a doubt He isn't done yet.  I know I have some BIG yeses coming!

(Screen shot quotes are from the Daily Streams app.  The other shots are from "Extraordinary Women of the Bible".  The first one is from Pinterest.)


Lyndsey said...

I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I'm still really sorry. Praying for y'all and your big YES! :)

Kathryn said...

Thank you for sharing. Hopefully "putting it out there" is therapeutic for you in some way. You have more support than you know!

Callie Nicole said...

I'm so sorry, Emily. I have watched some people who are close to me go through miscarriages, and I think it must be one of the hardest things, especially after so many months of trying. Praying for you.

Beth Ann said...

I'm so sorry for your struggle and I am praying for you. But also, this is a beautiful post. And it seems as though you answer your own question as to "what is this all for." I commend you for sharing your story. I went through a similar time in my life...and it was during that time that I grew the most as well and God has used it to help others... as I am sure He is doing with you as well.

Jennifer said...

Beautiful post. Praying for you. Love your honesty.

Melissa said...

Good for you for posting about this, I am also in the process of posting about our infertility, it took us 3.5 years to get pregnant and this past October we got our long awaited wish. I have to say, I didn't talk about our struggle until after our baby was born, it was hard. I will pray for your growing family!

Kristin said...

Love the honesty here. While I cannot relate, I hope that you will expand your family again soon. I am a firm believer in good things come to those who wait so it'll happen for you when it is meant to be. Keeping your in my prayers

Megan said...

A beautiful and honest post. I am so sorry for your loss and for your struggles. You are absolutely in my thoughts and prayers. I will be praying for your big yes!

Melanie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage before I became pregnant with heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers!

Kati said...

Emily, I came across your blog and of course immediately clicked on your "Infertility" tab. I can relate big time. Thank you for sharing and know that you are not alone by any means.

It is a horribly rough road to walk but I'll hope and agree with you that there are YES's to come. xoxo

Lisa Moore said...
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