Where I am Right Now

February 28, 2014

Emotional post ahead.  This was really hard for me to share but I feel burdened to do so.  Here goes.

Whenever I found out I was pregnant with Georgia I knew already.  I just knew.  I do this really dumb thing.  When I'm in the car and praying I pray and then I turn on KSBJ (the local christian radio station) as a kind of answer to my prayer.  With Georgia I picked up a pregnancy test at CVS after work and prayed I was pregnant.  I turned on KSBJ and "How Many Kings" by Downhere was playing and the specific line was "Just a child -Is this who we've waited for?"  Now, my child is no savior but the lyric made it so obvious to me that I was pregnant.  To many that will seem strange but I have a hard time "hearing" God during prayer so I'm always looking for signs.

Anyway, so we start trying for our second and it had been a few months and I was late.  I run to CVS again to get a test and pray the same as I had done before.  I turn on KSBJ and you know what it was?  A guest speaker talking about infertility.  I was furious and knew that night I no longer needed the test.

I kept trying to push the radio show out of my mind thinking it was dumb and pointless and not directed towards me.  That time of year came around when it was time for my Well Check and it had been five months of trying at this point.  She said I had until January and if I wasn't pregnant by then I should come in again.  Wouldn't you know it, January came with no pregnancy and I found myself sitting in my doctor's office for my first secondary infertility appointment.  I felt like I was living someone else's life.  Surely this wasn't my appointment.  (My doctor gives you 6 months when you're trying for your second child before trying to "figure" out what's going on.)

But it was and I knew all along it was coming.  There is a span of nine years between my oldest brother and I.  My middle brother is adopted because doctors told my mom that her getting pregnant again wasn't likely although they had no medical reason why.  That along with the infertility radio show I stumbled upon told me in my heart that this second baby wasn't going to be an easy one to get.

I had already bought a "Big Sister" shirt just in case that was sadly getting no use.  Ads for Big Sister shirts popped up in those darn google ads all the time just taunting me.  Strangers, friends, anyone and everyone asked me when that second baby would be coming along.  I just smiled and said, "oh, I don't know...we'll see."  Any time I didn't feel well or had a random doctor appointment I always got bombarded with, "oh, are you pregnant!?"  I literally couldn't go a few days without someone asking me when we were having another one.  "Oh Emily, you look so good holding a newborn."  "Yours is so cute, why don't y'all want another one?" "Isn't that just giving you baby fever?" It was like I was punched every time.  

I knew so many people who had hard times getting pregnant the first time and then the second one was a surprise or so easy...now, I was the exact opposite.  That seemed to be more common.  No one expects secondary infertility and I feel like not that many people talk about it.  I was surprised by it and not surprised all at the same time.  With secondary infertility you can't get away from it.  Since you have a child already you're around kids, babies, families, pregnant people ALL THE TIME.  Meaning, not only do you see what you can't have all the time but you get asked about it even more.  Especially in society now with people wanting their kids every two years.  Jonathan and I never wanted to go that route.  We wanted every 3-4.  Him being 3 and me being 4.  He won out and eventually brought me over to his side and when we passed up the 3 year mark I was sad and a little angry at him for wanting to start trying sooner.  Then angry at myself for not starting even sooner thinking we could already have a baby by now if we had just started earlier.  Neither emotion really made that much sense.

I stopped following a lot of blogs of pregnant people.  I stopped getting online as much all together.  It's hard to suffer through something when only a handful of people know.  I started telling a few more choice people but it's still hard because no one wants to hear you complain or vent 24/7.  The more and more people in social media that began to pop up pregnant the more and more I felt like Jonathan and I were defective.  That some how we just got lucky with Georgia and that these problems were lurking all along.  Like, something was really wrong with us.  I've never felt jealous of others being pregnant but I just feel like their condition highlights mine.  I'm not pregnant.  Georgia is still an only child.  And, there is nothing I can do about it.  It's an extremely isolating place to be.

People are sympathetic and do care but it's hard not to feel like they are thinking, "well, you already have one child so what are you complaining about".  No words are really comforting.  Especially the, "Well just stop trying.  Once you stop trying you'll get pregnant."  Even my husband will say, "We have one already so the pressure is off."  But not to me.

In my head I can't make sense medically of why I'm not getting pregnant.  Why did Georgia come so easily?  What has changed in the span of two years?  Nothing actually.  Jonathan and I are "perfectly fertile" on paper so it makes no sense at all.  All our tests have come back perfect and even so my doctor has me on a specific "plan".

For me though it all comes back to the fact that God is the one and only reason anyone gets pregnant.  I've realized during this struggle that Jonathan and I never once prayed about the timing of our second child.  Before we started "trying" with Georgia I prayed about it constantly.  Was this the right time?  Should we wait longer?  This time around, we just made up our minds that it was time and left it at that.  I felt so stupid.  But, at the same time I know God has designed this struggle for me all along.

At the 9 month marker (where we are now) my mind set changed.  (I know it hasn't been a full year but it's been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.)  I had talked to Brittney a bit and Natalie as well (because of blog posts they had written that really touched me) and realized God gave this particular struggle to me for a reason.  Through trials we grow.  We find our strength through hard times in the Lord.  I'm not a prideful person but I am a planner.  Type A.  I like to know where I'm going in life.  Not knowing throws me for a loop.  Not being in control makes me super unhappy.

The majority of 2013 and now 2014 are consumed with waiting.  Growing in patience.  Leaning on God.  It is hard but I just have to look at it differently to keep going.  (Remember, it took a year to sell our house.  Six months to find a home we wanted to buy.  Three months to attempt to close on that particular house.  Then we found out we actually shouldn't buy that house. Read more on that here.)  It's almost been too much for me to handle.  Just yesterday even, we were about to put an offer in on another house and found out come September it will be in a flood zone (due to changing the plains).  We had real high hopes for this house (third house we've tried to buy now) so yesterday I had several highs and several lows.

Jonathan and I taught a Sunday school lesson to our three year olds about patience a month or so ago.  The definition of patience in our lesson was, "waiting happily" and that became me and Jonathan's new mantra. We're going to wait happy.  Or, at least try to.  But trying is so SO hard.  I feel like I have this weight on me every single day.  Jonathan's known all along that I'm having a hard time dealing with this.  He had me listen to a podcast this morning by Dr. Charles Stanley, "When our Burdens Seem Unbearable" and what really struck me was that we are meant to share our burdens.  We are not meant to keep it all inside.  We don't have to appear perfect to the world because we aren't.  So I'm sharing.  This is where I am right now.  I read once that it feels like God is continually telling you, "no" because he's saving your "big yes".  I'm waiting for mine.  I'm trying to wait happily for our next house.  I'm trying to wait happily until I get pregnant.  These past nine months have been so hard but hopefully by sharing my burden a weight can be lifted.  Hopefully I can find peace in God for everyday until our yes comes.


20 comments:

cait said...

Emily, this post is beautiful! I am so inspired by your willingness to share your story and your burdens so that others can see His promises and His glory. Please know you are in my prayers, friend. Cast your burdens on Him...He is sure to take care of your heart. xo

Kathryn said...

I read your blog, but I am a bad commenter. But this post really touched me. I suffered through infertility and I went through every thought and emotion you describes. I know it's not easy. I think it is great that you are sharing, hopefully that takes some of your burden away. Your in my thoughts and prayers!

Brenna Boyd said...

Emily, I am so sorry you all are going through this. I remember when it was over a year of trying when we finally got pregnant with Ace. I hated the pregnancy announcements on Facebook and felt jealous. It took us 6 months the second time around, so not as long but it was a struggle but we had a reason behind it so it was easier to figure out. I think not have a legitimate reason has got to be so much more difficult. I will be praying for you all to get the answers you need. I know its tough and I hate the oh just stop trying it will happen too lol.
Sending positive thoughts your way. I also wanted to let you know I am part of a infertility, adoption, fostering group and if you want I can send you the link. It helps to have people who have been through it understand. <3

Callie Nicole said...

I am so sorry you are going through this Emily. Secondary fertility issues are hard I think because it puts you right in the middle between the fertile and the infertile who don't have a baby yet. The ones who get pregnant easily can cause pain without meaning to, and often those who are still trying for their first don't have as much sympathy as they might otherwise since you have a child already (which is understandable, but it makes you feel more alone in your own struggle). I felt it when we were trying for Gwen too, and it's just hard because that desire for a baby is still there and it's just as strong. It's a strange place to be. I'm glad your doctor was willing to see you at the six month mark (mine was too!) and that she has something of a plan! I'm glad you decided to share about this, because its good for others who are going through secondary infertility to know they aren't alone, and it lets us know so we can lift you up to God in prayer! Praying that The Lord will give you Baby #2 soon!

Ms. J said...

I completely understand. The emotional roller coaster of trying for a baby is incredibly hard. We tried for 10 months with Adalyn and we are going on 10 months with baby #2. Trust me, I get it. It's a pain and a heartache that you can't truly understand until you've been there. I was hoping that #2 was going to be fast like some of the others as well, I had hoped that our kids would be closer in age…but God has other plans! We believe he is faithful, we know he is good, but there are days where the emotions are real and the crying/breakdowns need to happen to get back up and keep trying. I actually have a secret Facebook group I created when trying for Adalyn (Natalie was a part of it then too!) and I restarted it when trying for #2. There are a little over 20 other women (mostly bloggers) and it's a great place to vent, get advice, encourage, be encouraged etc. It's so nice to be a part of a community that "gets it". Let me know if you'd like an invite! Praying for you <3

ShaunB said...

Hey girl, I've never been in your situation and couldn't even try and imagine how hard it is. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. :)

Ashleigh said...

Emily I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Sadly it seems to happen a lot with several people. I know however that it does not make it any easier on you.. Hang in their sweet girl & talk to god after all he does know our plan way before we seem to know it for ourselves! In the end when he is ready he will give you exactly what you want the hard part will be the waiting which in the end is one of the hardest.

Elizabeth said...

Emily I am so sorry that you are having to through this. I know exactly what you are feeling and all those emotions you have are normal and ok. We struggled for over 2 years to have our little girl and will probably have just as hard of time trying for a second child. Just because you already have a child doesn't make the ache and longing for another child any less nor does it make it any less important.

I'm praying that you will be blessed with a little one soon. I know that the waiting is hard. When the hard days come lean on God, cry it out to Him, and know that there are people out there (myself included) praying for you.

Emily said...

Hi Emily. My sister is having a hard time too. We completely understand about people saying things when they don't know your story and it's a punch in the stomach every time. Here's a post she wrote about her story.http://kearney-clan.blogspot.com/2014/02/1-in-4.html?m=1 Hang in there for your YES!! Hugs.

Shae said...

Emily, I really feel lead to say this. What you said about God is true. It is all in His time. If it's not happening right now, it's just not time. He has such a better plan for us than even we know. Maybe he wants y'all to be comfortable in your new home before baby #2. Who really knows what His plans are? I do feel your pain, though. We waited almost EIGHT years. It's a personal struggle, especially on the inside. Just know you have friends you've never even met praying for you & your situation. Your big YES is coming! :)

Michele said...

First off I think it is amazing you are sharing this. We need to share more about our struggles so we can remember that it isn't all sunshine and roses in the land of the web.
Secondly, I struggled with infertility too, it was gut wrenching and lonely and honestly it sucks all the fun out of getting pregnant. It took us 15 months with our first. And I didn't care when we ended up pregnant with our second, but that took drugs to get as well. I have a friend who has a story similar to yours and I really felt for her. People who don't live this life don't know what to say other than be grateful for what you have. You are, but you are entitled to want another and to feel what you feel. I pray that God will supply you with peace during this time of waiting. I don't say this to be cliche, but now that I am on the flip side, you can see Gods plan and timing. God is never late always on time. Hugs! You are a great mom!

Beth Ann said...

I went through a similar trial with our first. We tried for 6 months, got pregnant and miscarried at 10 weeks, and tried for 9 months again before we got pregnant with our first. It was an excruciating time. You are right though - God uses everything for good for those that love him. He will use this trying time to teach you, grow you closer to him, and to be able to have a ministry for other women in similar situations. I never really had a "story" before this trial in my life...everything had always been pretty easy. While I still grieve that time and our loss, I am truly thankful for the perspective it has given me and for the ability to relate to others. I have gotten so many e-mails, fb messages, etc. from women because I was open about it and they knew I had been there, too. I know I don't comment much and don't know you well, but I'm proud of you for sharing. You won't regret it. Prayers for you guys as you continue to wait.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm a believer in that God doesn't give us struggles that he doesn't think we will be able to handle. While this time is frustrating and heartbreaking and a lot of waiting/wondering, I am sure that in due time, God is going to bountifully bless your family with the sweetest bundle of joy. It's like they say, Good things come to those who wait. I am sure it is going to happen soon for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Lyndsey said...

I'm so sorry Emily. While I haven't had experience with this specifically, last year was a big waiting year for us too with a lot of highs and lows. More lows than highs which was hard. Praying this year brings lots of positive highs for your and your family!

Victoria said...

Bless your heart. My daughter turned two in December and I happily discovered three days before Valentine's Day that we were pregnant again. Literally two days later, all my symptoms went away and I KNEW in my heart something wasn't right. My first ob appt showed no heartbeat as did my appt this Wednesday. On Thursday I had a d&c and that was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know the battle with infertility but I know the heartache of waiting and wanting someone so very much. God be with you.

Melanie said...

Wow is all I can say after reading this...you guys will be in my prayers! Waiting is HARD..no doubt about that..but your right..trials are what makes us grow in our Christian walk. Always know you have many friends online you can talk to!

Katie Hall said...

I can't remember how I found your blog but I am a random reader of your blog (because I'm a little weird like that, I guess) and I wanted to thank you for your post. We currently are struggling with secondary infertility right now too and I was really have a rough go of it until I read this post. I honestly don't know what it is about the post but all of a sudden I feel at peace and calm about not getting pregnant yet, like I can finally wait happily until it happens again for us. So thank you for posting.

Lydia said...

Been a long while since I have commented but I have kept reading... Just have to say that I am in tears right now over this. We are having a very similar situation. I got pregnant the first month with our daughter and have been trying over 9 months this time {I did have a miscarriage in November}. Our 2013 was a lot of lows all strung together: from my mom being critically ill with appendicitis, my sister having 2 miscarriages, my dad having another mini stroke and knee surgery and even more... I just want to share one passage that has literally been the only thing to get me through some days:

Isaiah 43:2-3 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames with not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God."

I cling to this promise everyday. I appreciate your honesty and will be checking out some of those messages! I

Megan C said...

I'm a little late on reading this but I still wanted to post. I'm praying for you and J. I can't imagine the struggle this is for you but I'm glad you shared. Waiting paitently and happily is hard but I know you can do and I'm always here if you need me!

Laura said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving your link so that I could read your story, too. I love connecting with other moms going through the same thing. It seems to validate what I'm feeling, since you literally just wrote every word that I think. :) I especially HATE the line, "Well just stop trying. Once you stop trying you'll get pregnant." I even have friends that preface it with, "I know this is hard to hear, but ..." Also after my miscarriages, people have said, "well, at least you know you can get pregnant." Wow ... it's so hard. But at the same time, it's good for me to share what I'm going through with others. I'm praying that you will get your baby soon and that you'll have perfect peace amidst the waiting. Thanks so much for sharing!

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