Ramblings of a Newborn Mom

October 12, 2016

Where I ramble and post bad phone pics
I want to cry all the time. Not in a "baby blues" kind of way.  In a, "am I really crying about this again" kind of way.  I couldn't even make these reasons up y'all.  Hormones are a B.  I wasn't like this after G.  I had a temper after I had her (and since I was born) but I wasn't a weepy emotional mess.  Here are a few things that can make me cry...

-When I think of Milam being our last baby
-When I think of Milam not being our last baby and that I would choose to do the newborn stage again
-When I think about how tired I am and how hard newborns are (even good ones like M)
-When I think about M not being a newborn anymore and growing up
-When I think about how much better other moms are with their newborns than me...like, they probably have a more realistic perspective than I do when it comes to the time frame of things
-When I think about the time I'm missing with Georgia because she has a sibling and is now in school
-When I think about the fact that I put my baby in public school
-When I listen to hymns or other moving "church" music
-When I watch "Call the Midwife" because...alllll the babies
-When I think about how good and content it feels to finally have two kids
-When I think about how Jonathan and I have actually made four babies and not two
-When I think about how much I love Georgia
-When I think about how much I love Milam
-When I think of how amazing Jonathan is
Clearly I just need to stop "thinking" because then I would stop being an emotional basket case.

To elaborate on number ONE:  This entire pregnancy I've just assumed Milam would be a middle child.  That we would want to have another after him...but as soon as we brought him home I was just overwhelmed with a sense of peace and contentment.  That could be because God has placed on our hearts as a family to be done or it could be because up until I heard him cry I wasn't 100% sure we would really get our second baby.  Sounds crazy but since I had two miscarriages I was a little unattached from this pregnancy.  And, when we had that scare with his heart rate I was like, "Yep, I was right.  He's not going to make it either."  So, when we brought him home I could finally breathe and take in the fact that we did now actually have two kids.  So now the thought of letting myself want another baby seems crazy.  The opposite of self preservation.  Most likely I would get pregnant easily and not miscarry again but what if I didn't?  When would enough be enough?  If I had had one miscarriage I don't think I would be so scared but that second one really did a number on me.  So I'm not sure I'm willing to do the trying, testing, waiting, blood work, miscarriage, D and C, try and wait some more...again.  Jonathan is SUPER eager to jump on the "let's be done" thing so there's that. (It's so freeing to try for 2.5 years and finally get your baby...so the idea of being done after ALLLLL of that does sound super nice!)  So while I do feel so content with my two babies I'm not sure I feel content with the idea of being done since the idea of three is an idea I've held for so long.  Jonathan and I have agreed to give it until Milam is two and then revisit it.  Many people I have talked to felt the same way when they got to their "done" number.  Just an overwhelming sense of being content.  We'll see where that goes.
And, if we had a third would I even try breastfeeding again?!  Both of my babies have had thrush.  Seriously, I shudder even thinking about thrush again.  Milam had the hardest time with it and when I read up on how to prevent it, it is nearly impossible.  One tip: expose your nipples to natural light.  Ha...I'm sure my neighbors would LOVE me for that.  Is it worth another baby spitting and coughing up blood?!  I'm really hard headed so I probably would try...and then regret it when we were at the doctor for thrush..again...because I'll forget from now until (possibly) then how terrible it was and how the websites that say "most babies aren't bothered by it" are all total crap.
Jonathan and I talk all the time about how we are SO not newborn people.  Don't get me wrong.  We love our little (BIG!) Milam but we are both very much ready for some routine.  Plus, coming off the ease off a five year old it has been really hard to get into the swing of a newborn again.

Does anyone else get overwhelmed by their kid's take home folder?  Goodness.  I swear her school has some sort of event every week.  Every time I open it I'm like, "Ok, what do they need my money for now..."  I'm being dramatic...yes.  I love her school and so does she.  Just this week I turned her money in for a Tshirt, Thursday is a school wide fun run during the day, spirit night is Thursday night at Jason's Deli, and then Friday is Story Book Character day AND early release.  Sheesh.  Oh, and here is the first time G wore jeans to school...because it's important to document things like that.  She's looking at my mom pull into the driveway.
 And yes, we're in the process of redoing our landscaping.  Please don't judge us.  See, here's the mock up I've made below.  And my handwriting isn't always that bad.
Happy Wednesday y'all :)

1 comment:

Donna said...

One of the things I love so much about you/your blog is your genuine honesty. I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I wanted to leave you a comment and say that you are a wonderful mom who is doing the absolute best she can for her children here on earth and who will forever carry the memory of her two babies in heaven. Saying a prayer for your peace. <3


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