As 32 Approaches

October 4, 2017

(Written while throwing it back to Death Cab - Transalanticism)

My birthday is this month and I feel like I've learned some things in my old age ;)
I think A LOT.  Probably way too much.  I'm constantly over thinking and over writing and over discussing topics.  What are my goals?  Where is my life going?  What do I want my life to look like?  Slowly some things have hit me over the past few years.  Our MOPS discussion last week kind of solidified it all for me.  And when I say "solidified" know that I am never 100% in a "camp".  I agonize over decisions.  My head wants one thing and my heart wants in reality I want it all but I don't think that is ever really possible.

The most important thing I have learned is...are you ready for it?
My "problems" right now are not actually problems.  Someone told me once in high school that they saw me and Jonathan having the perfect little family with two kids, a boy and a girl, and a white picket fence.  So funny because that is exactly what I have.  I'm working on the fence but other than that I have the most perfect husband, the two most beautiful children, a great house, and a wonderful little side job all while living super close to our family with all the help I could ever want or need.  Will we have a third child, have I ordered their Christmas outfits, where will we go on vacation next summer.  Am I kidding myself?!  These are most certainly NOT problems.

Other tid bits from my almost 32 year old self...

I only have one life, my kids will only be young once.  Do the things and live the life.  But if we don't do the all the things life will go on.  It will be ok.  The kids will survive.

I'm too old to own clothes I don't like, don't make me feel good about myself, don't fit perfectly, and are worn.  I'm ditching things I don't 100% like and living with less until I find things to replace them with.  If I went out shopping right now and wouldn't buy it then it is gone.  Why did I even buy it to begin with?!

God gives you challenges in life because when life is easy you will wander.  It can't be helped.  When I was in the midst of getting pregnant with Milam I was on my knees, literally on the floor, begging for a baby.  I groveled, I cried.  I did everything in my power to let God know I wanted another baby. But now that Milam is a year old the time I have carved out for God is a lot less than it used to be.  I never thought that would happen but it has and I'm ashamed to admit it.

I'm in control of most aspects of my life.  I have to make God, family, and friends a priority in my life.  I can't just sit around and wait to be invited over...I have to do the inviting.  I have to open my heart and my home for God and for other people.

I think mom guilt is here to stay no matter how much I try to over come it.  I think I just need to accept it and move on.  You name it and I've probably felt guilty about it.  But, when it comes down to it I am doing my personal best.  My personal best will always look different than everyone else's and I've just got to roll with it.  Sounds easy but it is really really hard.

I can always make my day better if I just clean my bedroom.  Our room can be a dumping ground and when I just take the time to put my things away (and Jonathan's, and Milam's, and Georgia's) then I feel so much more able to tackle my day.

If something takes you less than a minute to do...just do it the first time around.  File the mail, empty the trash can, put the fork in the dishwasher.  It is a little thing but it adds up at the end of the day!

1 comment:

Callie said...

Definitely yes to all of this!


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