Emotional post ahead.  This was really hard for me to share but I feel burdened to do so.  Here goes.

Whenever I found out I was pregnant with Georgia I knew already.  I just knew.  I do this really dumb thing.  When I'm in the car and praying I pray and then I turn on KSBJ (the local christian radio station) as a kind of answer to my prayer.  With Georgia I picked up a pregnancy test at CVS after work and prayed I was pregnant.  I turned on KSBJ and "How Many Kings" by Downhere was playing and the specific line was "Just a child -Is this who we've waited for?"  Now, my child is no savior but the lyric made it so obvious to me that I was pregnant.  To many that will seem strange but I have a hard time "hearing" God during prayer so I'm always looking for signs.

Anyway, so we start trying for our second and it had been a few months and I was late.  I run to CVS again to get a test and pray the same as I had done before.  I turn on KSBJ and you know what it was?  A guest speaker talking about infertility.  I was furious and knew that night I no longer needed the test.

I kept trying to push the radio show out of my mind thinking it was dumb and pointless and not directed towards me.  That time of year came around when it was time for my Well Check and it had been five months of trying at this point.  She said I had until January and if I wasn't pregnant by then I should come in again.  Wouldn't you know it, January came with no pregnancy and I found myself sitting in my doctor's office for my first secondary infertility appointment.  I felt like I was living someone else's life.  Surely this wasn't my appointment.  (My doctor gives you 6 months when you're trying for your second child before trying to "figure" out what's going on.)

But it was and I knew all along it was coming.  There is a span of nine years between my oldest brother and I.  My middle brother is adopted because doctors told my mom that her getting pregnant again wasn't likely although they had no medical reason why.  That along with the infertility radio show I stumbled upon told me in my heart that this second baby wasn't going to be an easy one to get.

I had already bought a "Big Sister" shirt just in case that was sadly getting no use.  Ads for Big Sister shirts popped up in those darn google ads all the time just taunting me.  Strangers, friends, anyone and everyone asked me when that second baby would be coming along.  I just smiled and said, "oh, I don't know...we'll see."  Any time I didn't feel well or had a random doctor appointment I always got bombarded with, "oh, are you pregnant!?"  I literally couldn't go a few days without someone asking me when we were having another one.  "Oh Emily, you look so good holding a newborn."  "Yours is so cute, why don't y'all want another one?" "Isn't that just giving you baby fever?" It was like I was punched every time.  

I knew so many people who had hard times getting pregnant the first time and then the second one was a surprise or so easy...now, I was the exact opposite.  That seemed to be more common.  No one expects secondary infertility and I feel like not that many people talk about it.  I was surprised by it and not surprised all at the same time.  With secondary infertility you can't get away from it.  Since you have a child already you're around kids, babies, families, pregnant people ALL THE TIME.  Meaning, not only do you see what you can't have all the time but you get asked about it even more.  Especially in society now with people wanting their kids every two years.  Jonathan and I never wanted to go that route.  We wanted every 3-4.  Him being 3 and me being 4.  He won out and eventually brought me over to his side and when we passed up the 3 year mark I was sad and a little angry at him for wanting to start trying sooner.  Then angry at myself for not starting even sooner thinking we could already have a baby by now if we had just started earlier.  Neither emotion really made that much sense.

I stopped following a lot of blogs of pregnant people.  I stopped getting online as much all together.  It's hard to suffer through something when only a handful of people know.  I started telling a few more choice people but it's still hard because no one wants to hear you complain or vent 24/7.  The more and more people in social media that began to pop up pregnant the more and more I felt like Jonathan and I were defective.  That some how we just got lucky with Georgia and that these problems were lurking all along.  Like, something was really wrong with us.  I've never felt jealous of others being pregnant but I just feel like their condition highlights mine.  I'm not pregnant.  Georgia is still an only child.  And, there is nothing I can do about it.  It's an extremely isolating place to be.

People are sympathetic and do care but it's hard not to feel like they are thinking, "well, you already have one child so what are you complaining about".  No words are really comforting.  Especially the, "Well just stop trying.  Once you stop trying you'll get pregnant."  Even my husband will say, "We have one already so the pressure is off."  But not to me.

In my head I can't make sense medically of why I'm not getting pregnant.  Why did Georgia come so easily?  What has changed in the span of two years?  Nothing actually.  Jonathan and I are "perfectly fertile" on paper so it makes no sense at all.  All our tests have come back perfect and even so my doctor has me on a specific "plan".

For me though it all comes back to the fact that God is the one and only reason anyone gets pregnant.  I've realized during this struggle that Jonathan and I never once prayed about the timing of our second child.  Before we started "trying" with Georgia I prayed about it constantly.  Was this the right time?  Should we wait longer?  This time around, we just made up our minds that it was time and left it at that.  I felt so stupid.  But, at the same time I know God has designed this struggle for me all along.

At the 9 month marker (where we are now) my mind set changed.  (I know it hasn't been a full year but it's been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.)  I had talked to Brittney a bit and Natalie as well (because of blog posts they had written that really touched me) and realized God gave this particular struggle to me for a reason.  Through trials we grow.  We find our strength through hard times in the Lord.  I'm not a prideful person but I am a planner.  Type A.  I like to know where I'm going in life.  Not knowing throws me for a loop.  Not being in control makes me super unhappy.

The majority of 2013 and now 2014 are consumed with waiting.  Growing in patience.  Leaning on God.  It is hard but I just have to look at it differently to keep going.  (Remember, it took a year to sell our house.  Six months to find a home we wanted to buy.  Three months to attempt to close on that particular house.  Then we found out we actually shouldn't buy that house. Read more on that here.)  It's almost been too much for me to handle.  Just yesterday even, we were about to put an offer in on another house and found out come September it will be in a flood zone (due to changing the plains).  We had real high hopes for this house (third house we've tried to buy now) so yesterday I had several highs and several lows.

Jonathan and I taught a Sunday school lesson to our three year olds about patience a month or so ago.  The definition of patience in our lesson was, "waiting happily" and that became me and Jonathan's new mantra. We're going to wait happy.  Or, at least try to.  But trying is so SO hard.  I feel like I have this weight on me every single day.  Jonathan's known all along that I'm having a hard time dealing with this.  He had me listen to a podcast this morning by Dr. Charles Stanley, "When our Burdens Seem Unbearable" and what really struck me was that we are meant to share our burdens.  We are not meant to keep it all inside.  We don't have to appear perfect to the world because we aren't.  So I'm sharing.  This is where I am right now.  I read once that it feels like God is continually telling you, "no" because he's saving your "big yes".  I'm waiting for mine.  I'm trying to wait happily for our next house.  I'm trying to wait happily until I get pregnant.  These past nine months have been so hard but hopefully by sharing my burden a weight can be lifted.  Hopefully I can find peace in God for everyday until our yes comes.

Buying Our Second Home

This home buying process has been a crazy one.  We bought our first home from the builder so we had nothing happen to us like this.  

Over Thanksgiving break I saw a house in my mom's neighborhood that I knew I would like.  We called our realtor but she was out of town.  It took us a few days to finally get over there to see it.  It wasn't perfect by any means but we knew it could be so we were luckily the first ones to get in an offer and we started negotiations with Cindy Loo (names changed to protect the crazy).  Soon after she got a second offer that she would keep as her back up.

I use the word negotiate lightly.  We offered said amount with her paying closing and she offered the asking price with her paying closing.  So, we countered another price with her paying closing and she countered back the same thing.  Full asking price with her paying closing.  We originally said no way.  You're a jerk.  We don't like you.  Then, we had a change of heart (towards the house, not her) and accepted.  

All was good to go.  We set closing for the 30th of December with her moving out on the 5th of January.

She had us come over to the house because she wanted to "show" us some things.  Pretty much her talking to us like we were idiots and just being nosy in wanting to know who was moving into her house.  Our realtor warned us that she wanted to sell us the fridge.  We declined.  My husband make a comment about how much he liked the area and neighborhood and she responded, "see, I thought it was worth the full asking price."  I didn't hear her say this and it's lucky I didn't.  Jonathan told me when we got home and I was furious.  He knows me too well and made a good choice in not telling me until we got home.  Let's just say I'm not good at hiding my emotions when someone ticks me off.

Then, we learned there was an IRS tax lean on her house.  She was divorced and in the divorce decree she got the house BUT they never changed the title over.  So, when her husband decided he didn't need to pay taxes anymore it was all connected back to the house and Cindy Loo.

Originally we were told she sent the paper work into the IRS and we were waiting to hear back from them.  Well, she did hear back and it was something that had to be settled in person.  She scheduled a meeting for February the 6th.  

In the mean time she decided she wanted to give us a free lease.  She would move out and we could move in.  We took it just to get our hands on the place to stake a claim but would not be moving in since we had NO idea what the IRS would say.

It took her a week and a half past the 5th (her original move out date) to be totally out of the house.  Jonathan took the time of the free lease to start cleaning the yard.  The house is in such disrepair.  He took out two "water features" and a dead tree.  Cindy Loo found out when she snuck back into the house at some point and called her realtor to complain.  She now wanted a deposit and rent since we had taken out such expensive features.  (Mind you the water feature was a black container.  The water was so old that when it sloshed on Jonathan's leg it burned and left a rash!  The "expensive" tree was dead and already laying on the ground! GRR!)  Our realtor quickly nixed that ridiculous idea since the seller (Cindy Loo) and the buyer (us) could not get out of the contract.  We were both legally bound to sell and buy respectively.  Neither of us could get out of the contracts and it was now a waiting game.  Mind you, at this point we had also spent nearly 500 dollars cleaning her disgusting pool which was now nice and blue.  If anything, she owed us!

Cindy Loo did make sure she called my husband to complain about the tree and the water feature and then grilled him to find out what else we were planning on changing.  He promptly hung up on here and we promptly decided to change ALL locks on the house as soon as it was ours.  Which won't be so hard considering there is only ONE working exterior door at this point.  When she realized how poorly her doors were working she accused us of changing the locks on the house.  Why would we change the locks on a house that we do not own?!  The only reason we spent the money on the pool up front was because it was almost too far gone.  We had to act early or the entire thing would have had to be drained and I didn't want to pay to fill it back up.

We tried to have sympathy on her for the longest time.  We originally thought she was the one and only owner of the home and in her 80's.  Neither of those were true.  She's in her 60's (not that old) and had lived in the house 18 years.  So, yes she had a lot of memories in the house but that is no excuse to act the way she did.  I've driven by our old house.  The one we brought Georgia home to and it's not mine anymore.  The new owners have done things to the house that I wouldn't have done but you know what, it's not mine anymore so who cares.

But the way she talked down to us, took all but one of the mirrors out of the bathrooms (said her mirrors weren't selling with the house after the fact), didn't negotiate, wouldn't get out of the house by the correct date, wanting rent and a deposit for a "free" lease...I mean, I'm just done with her.

So, back to the IRS.  On Sunday February 9th our realtor says that the IRS has everything we need and should close in a week or two.  But here we are on the 24th of February and still NO word from the IRS.

But, on the 23rd our neighbor (who acts like we don't exist) tells us a sex offender has moved around the corner. (We live in my mom's house and the house we were buying was in the same neighborhood)  She tells us the address and we realize it's the house ACROSS THE STREET from the house we're trying to buy.  So, I look up his record.  He was convicted in 1996 of aggravated sexual assault to a 28 year old women.  I'm 28!  He was sentenced to 18 years but got out on parole in 2009 (we think).  We just can't.  The man moved in with his father and we don't know how long he'll be there but it just doesn't matter.  We can't live like that.

So, this three month wait for nothing.  I can't even describe how angry and let down I feel right now.  Please pray our BIG YES from God comes soon.  We need it so badly.  In May we'll have lived in limbo for an entire year.  A YEAR!

Friday Five

Linking up HERE

1.

This weather!  It's awesome.  I don't like the cold.  I just don't.  But, now that its warmed up a lot we've gone to the park nearly every day and been able to play in the back yard.  I know once it's the middle of the summer we won't be able to go out as often (it can get over 100 here on the regular) so we're taking full advantage now!  (Although I did get 7 mosquito bites in about 30 minutes.  Bummer.)  Also, Georgia has learned the art of riding with the windows down.  She loves it.

2.

I'm always shocked when I book sessions for photography.  Its so fun that it doesn't feel like work.  I literally LOVE it.  So, when people book a session with me, and pay me, it's a strange feeling because it's just all fun to me.  This is my most recent session.  Thirteen people.  I was out of breath when I was done but it was well worth it.  The family was so nice.  I also have two mini sessions coming up this spring.  I am so excited about it.  Follow my photo business HERE

3.

I've been tested so SO much lately in the area of patients and God has been revealing himself everyday in several Bible verses I've read.  It's nice to hear him reassuring me.

4.

Georgia is so silly.  She loves to hide and gets very excited to play hide and seek.  Often initiating this game without us even knowing.  Also, she's been very sleepy lately and I've had to wake her up a lot this week.  Twice I've found her like this. (Head under the covers)  Silly girl.

5.

I like the Waterlogue app.  Jonathan doesn't.  I think it's kind of fun to turn pictures into watercolor but Jonathan thinks they look weird which I kind of agree with.  I've yet to find the perfect picture for the app.

Any fun new apps that I NEED?!

Happy Friday everyone!

Our Valentine's Day Celebration

Our favorite thing to do for Valentine's Day is to go to the current exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts Houston.  We've gone several times and just love it.

2007 - Juniors in college

2008 (so we had to go a bit after Valentines but close enough) Senior year of college.

2009 There wasn't anything we wanted to see the first year we were married.

2010 - Our second year of marriage

2011 We waited to go until closer to my due date since I really wanted to go to the museum one more time before G was born but my feet could only take so many trips.  I was 38 weeks here...maybe more.  My legs were so swollen.

2012 We skipped because of Georgia.  Didn't want to take her and didn't have a babysitter.  We went out to family dinner instead :)

2013 We didn't go either (celebrated at home with the little one) so this year I was bound and determined to go and pick back on our tradition.  We didn't stop going to the museum we had just stopped going on Valentine's day.

So now, in 2014 here we are.  At the museum.  YAY!  Since we babysat my niece last minute the other day my sister in law was insisting she babysit at some point.  We took her up on it for Sunday afternoon.  We went to the exhibit and then to dinner at The Raven Grill.  It was so good.  And, my brother and sister in law sent us half a dozen pictures or so while we were gone so that's always nice.

Georgia's Valentine's Day

Georgia had a really good Valentine's day.

Jonathan's mom, Meme, came over on Wednesday to give Georgia all of her Valentine's gifts.  She loved them.  The shirt and "headband" are from Jonathan's mom.  The shirt says, "Daddy says I can't date until I'm 30"

Her school party was on Thursday.  It was a no parents party since there was no early release so that was nice.  I was able to just drop off her, and her Valentine's, and go.

On Thursday night I was supposed to go to an all girls "Galentine's" celebration but there were some very serious issues at work with my husband so it just wasn't meant to be.  Instead Jonathan took G and I out to dinner.  I snapped some pictures of her before we left.

On Friday, I had the entire dining room set up for her in the morning.

She was so excited!  And of course super silly!

We got dressed a little later and met our neighbor Ethan at the park for lunch and a play date!

After a hard earned nap Jonathan came home with flowers, wine, and cooked us girls a lovely dinner.  He always buys me green flowers because it was our wedding color.  They would look better in a different vase : /

After G went to bed we curled up on the couch and watched, "About Time".  Oh my goodness...gut wrenching but so good.

Hope you had a fun Valentine's Day!

What Georgia Wore - Valentine's Day

Linking up HERE

We LOVE our Holiday fashion at this house.

We rocked this gold headband a lot.  I won't say where I bought it because I'm not happy with the purchase.  It's since broken twice and the gold leaf one I bought broke twice as well.  :(

We paired the headband with a "mice holding hearts" shirt.  Shirt is Carter's from Kohl's.

We wore a lot of PINK.  Dress and belt are Matilda Jane, pants are from Canton, TX, the sweater is from Target, and the shoes are Ebay.

The top is Matilda Jane and the pants are Georgia Grace.  Shoes are LelliKelly.

Necklace is from Screaming Owl.  Top and belt are Matilda Jane.  Pants are Georgia Grace.  Shoes are LelliKelly.

We wore purple too.  The sweater is from Target.  Dress was a hand me down.  Pants are Matilda Jane and the shoes are from The Gap.

Left:

Sweater is from Target.  Dress is from WalMart.  Tights were hand me downs.  Boots were from Gap outlet.

Right:

Dress and tights are LeTop.

Left:

Top was a hand me down.  Pants listed above.  Shoes were hand me downs.

Right:

Sweater and pants listed above.  Skirt was a gift.  Shirt and headband were also a gift.  Her shirt says, "Daddy says I can't date until I'm 30"

The shirt, I had it made.  The pants were custom made and a hand me down.  The puffer vest was a gift and from Old Navy.  Shoes are LelliKelly.

Her flower bow was a gift.  The dress is actually on loan from a friend.  She bought it but it was too big for her daughter this season.  Sweater is Ralph Lauren.

On Valentine's Day for our play date with Ethan she wore this to the park.  Headband is listed up top and so is the shirt.  The sweater is a Target hand me down.  The pants and belt are Matilda Jane.  The shoes are Bear Feet hand me downs.

She had a Valentine's date with Daddy planned.  Her headband is from HEB (of all places).  Her shirt is Carters and I think her pants are Lolly Wolly Doodle.  Her unseen shoes are LelliKelly.  Pocahontas is from the Disney store ;)

And, just because I'm obsessed with her and love her to itty bitty pieces!